


Did it hurt?

by PushingBackTheNight



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley created the stars, Crowley loves his stars, Gods ineffable plan, How Crowley Fell, Hurt Crowley, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Love, M/M, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Sad, Sad Crowley (Good Omens), They love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 19:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20263384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PushingBackTheNight/pseuds/PushingBackTheNight
Summary: They both looked at the sky again, and the demon, who really didn't want to be one, told the story of his fall.





	Did it hurt?

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my mother tongue so I apologize in advance for grammatical mistakes, feel free to correct me :)
> 
> I saw the series and read the book and I'm totally in love them!  
And I'm obsessed with the theory that Crowley was the creator of the stars!

_Did it hurt?_

That's the question Aziraphale always asked himself, when Crowley got lost in thoughts again. He had wanted to ask him so many times, but he had never dared. Maybe today was the day...or rather the night. Because it was night, obviously, and they sat on the roof terrace of Crowley's apartment, gazing at the stars.

Aziraphale, however, wasn't watching the sparkling dots in the sky, but his demonic friend, for quite a while now.

_Did it hurt?_

Once more the question flashed through his mind and he opened his mouth to finally ask, when he noticed something. Crowley had lifted his face and looked at the stars. Nothing unusual so far. He did this very often, even if no one ever would believe it. But there was something different that night. Tears shimmered in his eyes and Aziraphale felt a painful sting in his heart. He had never seen Crowley cry before...He wasn't crying now, but he was close and this circumstance made the angel stop and keep watching.

He could recognize two feelings in the face of his friend and these were just as unusual, for the demon, as the fact that he was almost crying: pain and sorrow.

_Did it hurt?_

Aziraphale wouldn't ask his question. Not that night, because Crowley already had a memory that was unpleasant for him. He didn't want to wake another.

"Yes", his friend mumbled suddenly. "It hurt..."

"How...I...I didn't want to...I'm sorry..."

Sometimes Crowley had a bad habit of guessing his thoughts, just by glancing at him. Aziraphale often felt uncomfortable about that, but there were also situations in which it was good that Crowley could read in him, as he did in his beloved books.

"Everything is alright, angel."

Crowley turned his face and gave him one of his famous grins. But again something wasn't right. Crowley's grin was a lot, cheeky, challenging, treacherous, but never sad, it never looked so _fake_ as it did in that exact moment. Aziraphale shook his head and put a hand on Crowley's shoulder, to show him that he could be honest. He wouldn't judge his friend.

"Never asked, but have we ever met up there? I mean...before you..."

"I'm afraid we haven't and that's a good thing. In the end you would have fallen, too", he mumbled and closed his eyes. "It's so painful."

"You don't have to..."

"But I finally want to tell someone...I want to tell you..."

Aziraphale squeezed his shoulder a little more and, to his surprise, he felt Crowley put a hand on his. They both looked at the sky again, and the demon, who really didn't want to be one, told the story of his fall.

"I created the stars...I loved the stars, they were - are - as beautiful as nothing else in this world. My job was to create them, to distribute them, to create the constellations the humans named thousand years later. From time to time, I was allowed to keep one of these stars - because it was not pretty enough, not big or small enough, not sparkling in the right light - God could be very picky about that. However, I thought they are all beautiful. I...", he laughed softly, almost sadly, at the memory that flowed through his mind. "I've spread them on myself, like freckles, so I won't lose them."

"That's lovely, my dear."

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it...Until the day I fell."

He closed his eyes and smiled, the first real smile in a long time. He always repressed those memories when they tried to catch him. But he let it happen that night, because he wasn't alone.

"I didn't meant to fall...I was just hanging around the wrong guys...actually, I just asked questions...Probably the wrong ones, but how could I've known? I was dreamy, I didn't thought about it at all. It wasn't intentional...I...I think I just haven't fit in up there. And then came the night when everything was about to change.

I heard the first angels falling, I heard their screams and wondered what those noises were. I wasn't at the gathering - never liked those crowdy meetings. I was with the stars. I had created new ones, new stars that I wanted to place in the sky and didn't care about the others."

He paused and squeezed Aziraphale's hand tighter. Crowley felt like he was falling again and needed something to ensure, that he was save.

"You know the feeling when you're sleeping and you suddenly feel like you're falling, are you?"

Aziraphale nodded and Crowley nodded as if to confirm it again. The angel looked him over and thought that his friend looked lost. Lost in his terrible memories.

Following an impulse, he moved closer to Crowley and hugged him. At first the demon stiffened, for he was still not used to this kind of touch. Then, however, Aziraphale felt that he were sinking into the embrace and he smiled at the thought of giving Crowley the comfort and security that had been denied to him for millions of years. Crowley cuddled up against his chest, so Aziraphale could hold him closer. Even if it meant that he was sitting right between his legs, with his own pulled up almost to his chest - like a child that was hold by an adulte after it had a terrible nightmare. And that right there, in Aziraphale's arms, was the only place Crowley felt save. 

"Being kicked out of heaven", he continued. "Feels the same...Well, almost the same. Difference is, when you feel like falling in your sleep, it's over in a split second because you wake up.

Falling from the sky feels like an eternity and you suffer agony."

Crowley flinched at the thought alone. It had been unbearable! Worse than any punishment Satan and his lords of hell could think of. He could still feel the pain sometimes.

"I didn't knew what was going on. I held onto the stars I carried and hoped that someone, anyone, would stop me; catch me and tell me, that it was just a bad joke! Not once in my life did I felt so much fear and panic! I felt like my skin was melting from my bones...And in a way, it was, the stars I carried on my body - _my_ stars - burnt my skin and they melted holes in it my flesh. As indescribably beautiful as they were, so much hellish pain they made me feel at that moment.

I fell and fell and fell and thought, that this would be my destiny now. To fall and burn forever. But suddenly everything became black around me and I felt nothing at all.

I don't remember where on earth I landed, but I know it was night when I woke up. I raised my eyes to the stars and saw all their real magnificence for the first time. Tears ran down my face and burned in the wounds on my skin, but I didn't gave a fuck.

The penalty for other fallen angels was, that they had lost their light, their ticket to heaven, their lives without real obligations; that, from then on, they had to live underground, that they had lost their beauty...My punishment, however, was that I could see all my masterpieces - my life's work until then - but never touch them again. I would never be able to create new stars again and those who had been mine alone, were gone forever. The scars they left on me, while they were burning in the atmosphere, would always remind me of what I had lost.

I remember being furiouse and hurt and screaming to God: 'Why? Why me? I didn't do anything wrong! I always did what you told me! Why did you cast me out?!'

I never got an answer. But at least the beautiful sight of my creations and that for all eternity...even if it is sometimes really a torture to look at them, but not to be able to touch."

When he finished, Crowley hid his face on Aziraphale's neck and let the angel just hold him tight. They sat like this the whole night. At some point, Crowley turned his face back to the stars and they watched as they moved across the sky. From time to time, Aziraphale saw a tear rolling down Crowleys cheeks and silently kissed it away. He'd have thought that his friend was that broken...Never thought his fall was that bad. Oh how wrong he had been! 

Now Aziraphale had his answer. But another question occupied him.

_Why? Why did you outcast him? There is no one who is like him. Crowleywas the first and only one who wanted to save the children, you killed in your flood. He showed your son the world. He did everything so that his actions were not too demonic. The people he tempted for his side would have gone to hell one way or the other. He saved me so many times! Why?_

But God was silent, as always. Because God's great plan is ineffable - but nothing happens for no reason...And if it's only to unite two souls, who otherwise would never have found each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments /.\


End file.
